Argh! I'm completely obsessed. I'm obsessed with all things pregnancy related. I don't even know if I'm pregnant.
Back story - we've been trying for a year now. 12 cycles?? I refer to my pink pad app on my phone....yup 12 cycles. Technically I'm in the 2 week wait period of the 12th month trying.
In that time I have recorded my periods, we've tried like mad (at it like rabbits!) we've 'stopped trying so hard', I've tried to relax, I've attempted using ovulation sticks (still don't really get them) and tried monitoring my temperature. I do really well with these things for a couple of months, then get frustrated and impatient that it's not working so jack it in, then when I come on my period the next month I feel guilty and go back to checking my temperature at 5.30am and peeing on sticks to check for ovulation.
I keep getting told that one year of trying really isn't that long. I keep getting told that it'll happen when I least expect it. Well I'm expecting it every month! So how can I stop expecting it. I throw myself into 'other things' like exercise, eating well, planning our holidays, getting the house tidy, work, social life - then I think maybe I shouldn't be drinking, or feel guilty that I've put on weight over Christmas, or we get into bed at night and I think "we really should have sex, because we could be missing an opportunity".
I visited my GP in November. Not just about the pregnancy thing (should I say lack of pregnancy thing?) My Dad died 3 years ago last November and this was on my mind more than I'd want it to be, I turned 30 this year, and I was feeling very low...this was interfering with my work...so I knew I had to do something about it. The doctor suggested 3 things:
- Anti depressants
and not necessarily in that order. I started on citalopram, went away with blood forms and instructions to have bloods done at day 21 of my cycle (good thing I've been monitoring it so closely) and information about bereavement counselling.
I started some hypnotherapy later in the month. At the time of writing things are much improved on the missing Dad front. We worked (me and hypnotherapist) on living for now rather than ruminating on the past or future. The present is a gift and all that. It has helped. I took the antidepressants for a month, they messed with my cycle, I came on my period late (5 days late) which was obviously really difficult because I thought I might be pregnant. And then I wasn't! I don't think anything was wrong with my blood tests, I had to have a repeat blood glucose test because obviously it should have been a fasting blood test the first time, but no news otherwise.
So this is what I have decided. Last month I got to grips with the old ovulation tests a little more. We had sex...mostly....around when it said I was ovulating. If I'm not pregnant this month I'm going to get a set of digital ovulation sticks because I think these will be easier for me to interpret. I've just bought some PreSeed, the lube for all your conception needs. I've added omega 3s to my supplement regime alongside my pre pregnancy vitamins. I've read some stuff today about macca root helping to improve fertility so will be adding this to my smoothies for now on. I also thought that if we don't get pregnant this month I'm going back to my GP to go through those blood tests more thoroughly and possibly to arrange for Beans sperm count to be checked.
Also, before anyone says anything, this is not rumination. Not really. I will allow myself this short time of ranting about the difficulties of getting pregnant, in order for me to think about it less the rest of my life. However, what I was doing prior to writing this could be considered rumination, as I was looking at trying to conceive/pregnancy vlogs on youtube, and I will admit to crying a bit when she got her Big Fat Positive.
So this is the start of something new for me. This year of trying to conceive will be documented. My diary. Because I know I'm not the only one going through this...and that helps a little. And I've learnt so much this year. Mostly that it's not as easy as I first thought it would be.