Friday, 20 November 2015

I knew it wouldn't work

I didn't get my hopes up.  I wasn't at all confident in the process.  But I'm still so sad and so angry.

I've spent the morning cleaning the kitchen trying to ignore the tell tale signs that my period was very much on it's way.  By lunch time I couldn't ignore it any longer.  So I went to the loo, went to the shop and bought chocolate, then went to cry in bed for a bit.  Well, sob and wail in bed for a bit. Still whimpering a little now.

I'm angry at every couple who have become pregnant before us.  I'm angry at every person who tells me to 'just relax'. I'm angry that I have to wait.  Wait for an appointment, wait for my fertile time, wait for ovulation, wait and see.

Actually, between the loo and the shops I did manage to call the fertility clinic to let them know and we already have an appointment to discuss IVF.  On to the next thing.

I don't want to think about this too much right now, but we will have some months off, and we will not be actively trying in this time.  I haven't even discussed this with Bean yet but I'm sure he will welcome this too.  And this month I plan to do just what I want, starting tonight with a few - yes, a few - alcoholic beverages.  I've probably had one alcoholic drink a month for the last few months so I'm sure I will be the biggest light weight and just end up crying again tonight, and wake up with a hang over after 3 drinks.  But I don't care!