Monday, 9 November 2015

Things people say...

I am really really really...I mean absolutely really grateful for the support we get from all our friends and family that know what we are going through.  I just wish some of them would stop saying

"It will happen eventually I'm sure of it/ it'll happen when you least expect it/ it'll happen when you relax"

We are really lucky that we have no one who is likely to ask when we will be having a baby, or anything of that nature.  Thankfully anyone who is likely to ask these things, also knows us well enough to know that we are going through difficulties, so wouldn't dream of it.

But the above, well meaning "it'll happen" is actually more difficult to respond to. Because we know you mean well, because what do you say to us and cos yeah, it probably will happen, one way or the other....eventually. It is, however, much more likely that it won't happen.  Like 85% more likely! There is a 15% chance that a 31 year old, with no fertility issues will get pregnant each cycle of trying naturally.

Now, statistically 97.8% of people my age would get pregnant by their 24th cycle. We are actually slightly past that! So if it didn't happen when 97.8% usually would, we can safely say we are in the other 2.2%.  And by medical standards this means that we might need some help. The help is there to have, on the NHS no less, so we say, lets go for it.

Top 5  things people have said:

"It will happen eventually, one way or the other"
  • See above.  This is the least problematic one you can say.  When I respond negatively to this, it is not that I think we will never have children, it is just that I'm not that confident it'll happen this round or naturally. I'm still fairly sure it'll happen one way or the other.
"It'll happen when you stop trying"
  • No, just no.  
  • Actually not JUST no.  You do know it's physically impossible right. I mean, if we don't try, it will never happen.  I realise this is not meant as literally as I am taking it, but we have already done the - lets forget about the ovulation kits, the not drinking, worrying about eating the right thing. Also we are still living our lives broadly speaking, we are still booking holidays, making plans, exercising, etc etc...
"You just need to relax-stop stressing"
  • This is my favourite one.  Perhaps due to our open nature about all this, people seem to think that it is consuming us. It's hard to believe but we don't talk about it all the time! Having a cry when things don't work the way we hoped, and talking about it is the best, and healthiest, thing we can do.  
  • Having said that, a persons ability to cope with stress can cause a physiological problem where the body is producing too much cortisol and adrenaline, leading to imbalances in the reproductive hormones.  This can cause fertility problems due to irregular periods and, in turn, problems with ovulation.  I assure you, I have a very regular 31 day cycle, and we have already proven I ovulate with kits and blood tests! So no! Stress is not affecting our fertility. 
  • We love relaxing with each other.  We go out for walks, running, cycling.  I am training to be a shiatsu therapists. We meditate, practice yoga and qi gong. I enjoy painting, gardening, jam making.  OK, the amount of time doing these things can fluctuate, but generally speaking we know how to de-stress.
"Just enjoy each other"
  • Slightly offensive.  
  • Perhaps, you believe we aren't having enough sex.  Or its just another version of "stop trying".  
  • I love him, he loves me.  Very much.  We really enjoy each other.
"Wouldn't you rather it happen naturally?"
  • Obviously. 
  • For us though, as discussed above, this is much less likely now that we have been trying for 2 years. We are not prepared to wait aimlessly. It could still happen naturally.  
I know it must be hard to know what to say.  Honestly, I don't need you to say anything.  I'd rather you just listen to my troubles, as I will yours.  If you have a story, anecdote, know someone else who's going through this, feel free to share.  But leave it as a stand alone thing and don't compare it to us.  



Actually, leave it at:

"I have everything crossed for you!"