Sorry it's been a while. I have been getting on with life. Concentrating on work and shiatsu. I realise my last post was emotional. Thankfully those days are not the norm, but when they happen I feel like I will feel that way forever! Totally illogical I know.
I saw the fertility counsellor not long after that outburst and she was great. She asked me to take a few minutes every other day just to face the worst worries head on, to cry and shout, to be angry and upset, to punch walls etc. Only for those few minutes though, not forever. It means that if things are getting on top of me, particularly at a time when it wouldn't be appropriate to get upset and cry, I can 'bank' it for later, for those few minutes I might have the following day. And actually, I haven't really needed to use it. Just knowing that I can is enough. Being told it's alright to be upset, angry and sad and cry, it's great. As long as it's not all the time, it's pretty damn normal too.
Since I last wrote, we have been back to the clinic for our planning meeting with our consultant. He explained everything again and asked if we had any questions. I will have progesterone pessaries after transfer (and up to 12 weeks if pregnant) to thicken up the lining of the womb. It gets thin after down regulation. I will be having prophylactic antibiotics around egg retrieval to prevent infection. He doesn't rate endometrial scratch for the first go round. (He did then go on about a big study that would be happening over the next couple of years, looking into ES for first timers, and how it'll be the first big study of it's kind and should prove once and for all if it's really worth it....I did ask him how that helped me now!)
Once we were all happy that we understood most things, we signed all the consent forms (consent to egg retrieval and transfer, consent for storage of embryos, consent for use in research, consent for sperm/egg/embryo use in event of death or if mentally incapacitated) and we were on our way. Now to wait until I start my next cycle (ie come on my next period/lady time/aunt flow/AF) then I can call the clinic to see if they can fit us in for treatment at that time (OMG what if they can't? Aaaargh!)
My IVF prep has been going really really well this month. I am on a very positive mission to get healthy. I have been mostly vegan, including a juice fast, I have joined the gym and am attending classes there most days, and totally loving it. I already feel like I've lost a bit of weight, though I am only weighing myself monthly, because I'm going for non scale victories. For example, clothes fitting better, being able to plank for 2 minutes instead of 30 seconds. That sort of thing. All the exercise is releasing plenty of endorphins and helping to keep me happy.
In other news, I had some pretty wacky responses from friends and family about my last post. All I can say is, CALM DOWN! This is my place to vent, to get my thoughts out on paper, to explain to myself, as much as anyone else, how I'm feeling right now. It's ultimately a very healthy coping strategy. And I refuse to censor myself for others comfort! I would urge you to read my whole blog, not just read one post in isolation, because the tone of one post can be very different from the next. I am living my life, we are living our lives together. Our lives will be on hold a bit this year because IVF treatment will come first, but as I have already said in a previous post, we're not going to be doing this forever. One year out of our whole lives, when we really want a child, isn't a great set back on our life plans.
I will say it again, because it can not be said enough. I am so well supported. Bean is my most best friend. He is patient and kind and funny (looking) and we are crazy about each other. I know I don't see some of my best friends enough, but you drop me a line, just because, and it lifts my spirits and I know you are with me. I am lucky enough to work with some of my closest friends, and they are mad mental heads, and I love it. They've got me through some of the worst days I've had, and continue to support me throughout this process. My lovely big little brother, who just keeps it all so real, putting my daft thoughts into perspective. Speaking to you always eases my mind and soothes my soul. Ma Moon, my most gorgeous mummy, who I know is so worried about me it hurts her heart. I know you would give anything to put this right for me. Our talks and your cuddles are always the best medicine, even though I am 31. Your support is unfloundering.