I'm not going to lie. This might be hard to read.
I'm really struggling. Christmas and New Year were lovely. But I have this tendency to crash after a nice time like that. I kinda get high on the festivities then really low once they are over. It happens with other things for me, like holidays, time off, birthdays, weddings, and so on. I realise that many people get post holiday blues. I just seem to have fallen a little further at the moment.
I usually love the New Year coming round. Time to make changes, time to plan new challenges, holidays and adventures for the year to come. This time I just seem to be anxious about the magnitude of what we're about to embark on. I try to keep telling myself to take each day as it comes, each step along the IVF path one at a time, then my mind just gets ahead of me and I'm thinking about the what if's and uncertainty of it all.
All I wish for this year is to get pregnant, have a healthy pregnancy, trouble free delivery and healthy me and baby at the end of it. But I know there is also a chance this might not happen, that as well as difficulty getting pregnant, it might be difficult for me to stay pregnant, or worse something might go wrong right at the end of my pregnancy, at delivery or something.
I am relieved that I will be seeing the fertility counsellor this week for the 3rd time. I need reminding to have my 10 minutes to wallow, then to get back to it. Even though I know that January 25th will come round really quickly and we will start before I know it, the waiting is doing me head in. It's sending me slightly mad. Madder than usual.
The fertility stuff just adds to me generally feeling crap about myself. I've put on 2 stone since we got married and my psoriasis has flared up big style. I feel fat and ugly, and my body won't do what it is designed to do.
On a more positive note, I have joined the gym. I have an induction tomorrow and hope to get a couple of classes a week in plus a swim or run. And I am doing Veganuary (trying vegan in January - no cheese or chocolate will help with losing a bit of weight) I don't know if I'm putting too much pressure on myself. Although I fall within the BMI range for IVF treatment, I am towards the top end of it, and outside the range considered optimum for falling pregnant. So I need to do this really.
I have also been thinking about our next appointment. I think the Specialist Nurse explained everything really well to us when we had our information giving appointment (that seems like an age ago) so I don't really have any questions. I need to ask about the use of progesterone after egg retrieval. I know I am supposed to have this, probably as a lovely pessary, but the nurse didn't mention it. Also, my mother in law has been speaking to a friend who has just had her first and only round of IVF, and it has been successful. This friend had an endometrial scratch prior to her IVF cycle. Apparently, her doctor swears by it, and she passed on some research to me through my mother in law.
Endometrial scratch is a procedure that causes minor injury to the lining of the womb. The research suggests that this then aids implantation of the embryo in the following cycle. A Cochrane systematic review (the best kind of research out there, by the way) published early last year found there was moderate-quality evidence to indicate that endometrial injury is associated with improvements in live birth rates for women who have had more than two previous embryo transfers.
Follow this link to read the research, if you're interested:
We would have to pay for the procedure if we were going for it. I don't know if that would make it our choice to have it or not. Certainly, our fertility clinic's policy is not to suggest it until 2 or more failed transfers. Perhaps, different consultants will have different views. I'm not even sure I would want it if I could have it. I mean, I suffered pretty badly through an HSG. I know its not the same, but I even found IUI painful, and I'm fairly sure I will find embryo transfer painful. Do I want to put myself through more pain and discomfort? How would I feel though if I don't have it done, then the fresh cycle becomes our only cycle, because we don't have any other good quality embryos to freeze.
One thing I have definitely realised through all my worrying, is that I don't want to do more than one full round. We won't be paying for another cycle if this cycle (plus any frozen embryo transfers that might follow) doesn't work. I can't carry on feeling like this, constantly worrying about the next bit, I need to get on with living. But I will go through this first. It's going to be bloody hard.