Wednesday, 30 March 2016

On being selfish

I've been thinking about this for the last couple of days, then I saw a post this morning from an Instagram-er about losing friends through this process and it brought it to my mind again.

To say I've lost friends is a bit dramatic, and not entirely true. I'm part of a wonderful community of strong women I've found through Instagram, and after speaking to them, I realise I am one of the lucky ones.  I have a lovely bunch of friends who are very sensitive to whats going on with us and have shown us nothing but support.  I have received some lovely messages of encouragement since starting IVF. And in actual fact, with the IVF community on Instagram, I've made new friends.

I do feel the need to apologise though. And make my excuses.  

I have neglected my friends during this process.  Before IVF, it was more give and take, but now I just take.  I am sorry that I don't always ask how you are or what you've been up to, I'm sorry that I don't always get back to you or think to give you a call.  I'm sorry that I don't come out to play.

You see this thing is really quite hard.  It is all consuming.  I try very hard not to let it, but the side effects of the hormones make it extra difficult.  They are a constant reminder of what I am doing to myself.  Extreme tiredness means I'm doing very little outside of work.  I have a headache most of the time, the hot flushes and sweating aren't pretty, I'm bloated and spotty and moody and emotional. And today I have blurred vision in my left eye! 

I am thinking mostly about me.  I am sleeping an awful lot, resting when I'm not working, and generally not doing very much else.  I know you will agree that this is the best thing for me because I know you will want me to give this my best shot.

The next couple of weeks will be even more scheduled as I will hopefully be starting stimulation tonight.  This means regular scans and blood tests to check progress.  My life literally revolves around IVF at the moment.  I keep telling myself that it is only temporary and that it will hopefully be worth it in the end.  I like to think my friends do too.