Friday, 27 May 2016

Happy for you, sad for me

There has been a theme recently in the infertility community of TTC friends who feel they can't tell us they are pregnant.  In some cases it's resulted in us "infertiles" finding out last or finding out in terribly insensitive ways.

Let me be clear. Most of us are extremely happy to hear that a friend has become pregnant.  We will be just as happy as any other friend. We probably know how much you wanted a baby (perhaps more than most) and you are our friend at the end of the day.  We probably love you a little bit, and will be over the moon for you.

We will also be hellishly envious.  And quite sad. I can't speak for all the couples in the community going through this, but I know I have been sad after finding out very good friends have fallen pregnant.  Not for them obviously, but for us.  I've usually had a cry about it at some point, I've asked why them and not us, I've found it difficult at times to buy gifts for them and baby.

But I've also been so excited.  Excited to help out, excited to have cuddles with baby, and excited to be 'Aunty' Lou.

It is such an emotional time, I've felt guilty for asking 'why them and not us,' I've felt horrible for feeling sad about it.  I've felt so mixed up inside.

Now, I'm one of the lucky ones (so far anyway!) my friends have kept me in the loop, told us personally and quietly, or just included us right from the start.  I know everyone is different, I know many people don't want to tell anyone until they are over 12 weeks. I know you must be so excited about the pregnancy and quite rightly so.

BUT

Please don't feel that you have to wait longer to tell us, or get yourself into a situation were you are avoiding seeing me and Bean because you don't know how to say it. And please don't include us in some kind of big reveal dinner without giving us a heads up first. That might sound really shitty, but I don't want to hide in the loo crying and trying to get myself together.  Give me the opportunity to be supportive, excited me, not feeling sorry for myself, crying me!

For me personally, the best way to tell us would be by being open and honest, preferably without too much of a crowd. I've also had friends message us before they've gone public on social media, and that has always been very much appreciated.  Otherwise, when friends have continue to show their support for us on this journey, we have found it all the easier to love that they're going to have a baby.