Monday, 17 October 2016

5 months later

It has been a while.

The reasons are probably clear to most.  This journey is really hard and it takes a lot out of you.  It can become all consuming.  And, whilst you're spending so much time day dreaming, you're not really living.  

After a month or so of my best "getting on with things" impression, I had a few crap weeks. We needed time to ourselves, I needed time away from the world of infertility and IVF.  I felt pretty brave (and proud) sharing our journey through our fresh cycle.  We had people approach us about it on a number of occasion.  Some to tell us their own experiences, some to say how much they'd learned from reading the blog, all to show their support.  

I felt guilty at first for not writing on here, and then I knew it was what I needed.  Don't get me wrong, we have continued to share our journey.  Certainly, for me, I would have gone completely insane if I didn't.  But we needed the time to grieve.  

I needed the time to re-group.  Cos at first I did not want to go through another treatment cycle ever again! Then I slowly came to the conclusion that it would be a terrible waste to leave 4 frozen embryos in deep freeze. 

We had our WTF appointment in June. That's the "what the fuck" went wrong appointment.  Well the consultant wasn't the most understanding.  When I explained that I wanted a break he seemed exasperated.  Until I started getting worked up and teary.  Then he quickly changed the subject to the holiday we were planning for August! As I expected there were no answers as to why.  In fact, the consultant started the conversation with "we are as disappointed as you".

So we went on our way with a loose plan to start work up for FET in September.

Over the last couple of months things have gradually become easier.  The artificial hormones left my body and my natural hormones finally leveled out.  Time is a healer, great friends are great relief, anti-depressants and counselling genuinely work wonders. As do holidays by the sea!

My second cycle after IVF was 52 days long! I've never had a cycle that long, not before and not since.  I was so sick when I finally came on, I had to go home sick from work.  I guess this was just my body settling down after having my hormones messed with for a couple of months. Unfortunately, I think some of my workies thought I might be pregnant. Sorry, just a MEGA-period!

I've gone into work up for FET much more relaxed.  Sure, I wasn't looking forward to the lovely down regulation pre-menopausal state I was going to be in for a few weeks, but at least I wasn't growing eggs this time.  It was great having the girls over for a night of Cards Against Humanity and wine.  Fewer injections this time too.  Only suprecur in the morning and then oestrogen tablets to thicken up the uterine lining.  The injections have been a breeze, it's a good job I had an alarm set on my phone else I would have missed an injection on more than one occasion.  (This is a very good sign, as last time the process was a regimented ritual) And only 4 scans in as many weeks.  Not 3 scans a week like the fresh cycle.

Down sides have been the ridiculous tiredness from the suprecur (same as last time) Oestrogen makes you really spaced out.  I was started on 1 tablet a day but quickly increased to 3 a day.  At first it made me feel as if I was having some kind of out of body experience, like I was 3 seconds behind myself.  Thankfully that has all settled down now.

And that brings us about up to date. Heading into FET with some wonderful embabies.  Fingers and toes crossed.

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