Sunday, 6 November 2016

A semi-pregnant state

This is possible one of the worst things that could happen to us on this journey.

On Tuesday 18th October we had a phone call to say the two embryos had survived the thaw.  We headed to the clinic and I had them both transferred. The experience was much better than last time. Partly as I knew what to expect, partly because there were only three members of staff in the room rather than the six or seven like last time  We got given a lovely photo of our embryos.  We went away feeling positive and hopeful. 

By the following Monday I was feeling different.  I wasn't sleeping well because I was anxious and I was having really weird dreams. On the Tuesday morning I decided to test.  And it was positive.  A squinter, but a positive.  We were so elated.  We went out to buy more (more expensive) pregnancy tests, and repeated the test that day and on the Wednesday morning.  It looked really good, the test lines were getting stronger.  

Official test day was Thursday. I did a digital pregnancy test in the morning that said 1-2 weeks on it! Bean was off work so he came to the clinic with me.  I presented my urine sample to the lovely receptionist and was directed to have my blood taken.  She mentioned how happy I looked to my counselor, who came down to see us. We gave her the thumbs up.  She did the urine pregnancy test for me and gave it me back as it was a really strong positive.  We went away with instructions to give to our GP and I was asked to head back the following Thursday for a repeat blood test. 

In the mean time we celebrated.  We were over joyed. We were cautious, but we were exceptionally optimistic. I went back to work the following Monday, and I was able to tell my work friends that I was pregnant (only slightly out of necessity due to the nature of my job).  It was amazing seeing their reactions.  We were all so excited.  Me and Bean began planning how to tell our family.  We made the odd faith buy.  We threw our joy and optimism at it completely.  We referred to them as babies and looked forward to an early scan to find out if it would be twins.

I was having pregnancy symptoms.  If I got hungry I would start feeling sick, my boobs were so sore, my dreams just got weirder.  I loved feeling all these things, it made me really start to believe it.

I was working on Thursday so had to nip to the clinic from work for my blood test. I had a little bit of brown spotting on the Thursday morning, I was worried but not too much.  I know many people who had proper bleeding throughout.  This was old blood, it wasn't fresh, it wasn't heavy.  When I got to the clinic for my blood test, I mentioned it and was very quickly reassured that it was most likely nothing and pretty normal (30% of IVF ladies will have fresh bleeding throughout their pregnancy) I had my blood taken and went back to work.  I headed home after my early shift, Bean was off work and we were just having a chat, he reassured me and we were both reassured by the clinic.  

Bean was just upstairs getting ready to go out on his bike when I got the call from the clinic.  I could tell immediately from the nurses voice that it wasn't good, and she'd only said hello and asked me my date of birthday.  Then she said "Unfortunately your blood level has come back the same as last week" I knew this meant that the babies weren't growing and that it was over, but I still asked for clarification. "It's not a viable pregnancy." She went on to ask me to come in for another blood test this coming Thursday to check, and did I want to speak to the counselor now.  I could just about muster a yes. 

Whilst the phone was on hold I just burst into tears.  I mean, heaving, wailing, uncontrollable tears.  Bean heard me and ran down stairs.  Mo was talking to me but I couldn't really speak to her.  I gave the phone to Bean and he spoke to her briefly.  I don't know why but I went upstairs and then I just crumpled to the floor in a heap, sobbing.  I don't think I have ever been hit by grief like it.  

Bean came upstairs and had to practically carry me to bed. We cuddled and cried for the rest of the day, and have frequently since. We are either numb or crying.  It's only Sunday, three days have passed, but we have told our friends and family, and we have received many messages showing their support and sorrow for us.  We have attempted to talk about "normal" things and laugh.  Our friends and family are helping to keep our mind off things.  

It is unfair and cruel. 

To add to the cruel nature of this situation I now have to wait for my body to let this pregnancy end naturally.  I am in some kind of semi-pregnant state.  I'm no longer taking progesterone and oestrogen to support the pregnancy, yet my body hasn't yet realised it's not viable, so I haven't started to bleed. I was told it could take three weeks.  I was warned it would be heavier and longer than a normal period.  I just have to wait.