Saturday, 31 December 2016

I'm not the person I was

It's New Years Eve and that means that like many people I'm looking back on the year I've had.  And like many it's been particularly difficult.

It feels very strange looking back on this time last year.  Last New Years Eve I was looking forward to IVF.  I was apprehensive, sure, but I was so hopeful of what the year would bring.

I keep seeing a quote going round social media, it says something like:

"I'm definitely not the person I was at the beginning of the year"

This journey has certainly changed me and unfortunately, I fear it's not for the better.  I am going through a phase of not having much patience for people who don't get it, I am often angry with those that haven't taken the time to educate themselves about our situation (or just, you know, actually listen properly to what we are saying!) and those that aren't sensitive to the struggle of infertile couples.  I feel more and more like I'm being left behind by my peers who are having babies, some pregnant with their second, and I don't really know how to get over it. I am drawn to those who (through choice or otherwise) don't have children.

I am frustrated that I feel this way and I often feel guilty about it.  But sometimes I don't feel guilty at all.  I've gone passed making excuses for people who don't get it, I don't bite my tongue anymore.  So I say what I think or I don't engage in conversation.  I know who I can talk to about it and who I can't.

I've had a lovely Christmas spent with family and friends, and it was nice to forget about all this for a time, but, this festive season has had a constant undertone of grief.  I wouldn't stop anyone from enjoying their young families or sharing their joy, but I have had to avoid social media to help keep my sanity.

So, what of next year? (this is where this really depressing New Years Eve post, hopefully turns slightly more upbeat...if you got this far, well done for sticking with me!)

Other than our last frozen embryo transfer (let's not even talk about that right now),

  • We are going to spending two lovely hours walking alpacas (a Christmas present from Bean, I've wanted to spend time with these cloud-floofs for aaaaaaaages)
  • Bean will be doing his rallying experience in Saltburn and we will be spending a lovely weekend by the sea.  
  • We have many trips in the campervan planned, including one with Mum and her fella.  
  • We're going to see Protoge, Micky Flanagan and Brian Cox all in one week (Thanks Family)! The week that we have officially been together for 9 years.  Nine years! 
  • There are dates in the diary to catch up with some dear friends, for drinks, board games, belated Christmas and birthday celebrations, some of which are long over due. 
  • We are planning a camper van holiday to France, AND we're going to the Isle of Man for the Classic TT for the second time.
  • Top that off with our (at a minimum) annual trip to Bude, and a long over due trip to Jersey, and that makes for a pretty epic year ahead.  
This is what I have to remember tomorrow when it's 2017.  

This, and the fact I have a wonderful family, some really exceptional friends, and the best husband in the whole wide world.  

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