Sunday, 14 May 2017

Child Free After Infertility

Before I started the last round of meds for our last FET, we had made the decision that it would be the end of our fertility treatment for us.  Whatever happen, we were done.

I sometimes wish we hadn't got pregnant at all this time. I would have been upset to not get pregnant, but to get pregnant (again) and have it taken away (again) - whilst worrying for the 2 months I knew I was pregnant, about that exact thing happening - is particularly cruel.

But getting pregnant has not changed our decision.  In fact, I think that decision has helped us move through this situation more easily.  We've said "that's that."  Please don't misinterpret this as us hurting less. We have now been through a chemical pregnancy and a miscarriage.  They are both devastating in equal measure.  We are still very sad about our loss.  We will be grieving for some time, and we will never get over it. But I know something about grief, and I know it gets easier with time.  And our decision to remain child free, and focus on the positive, amazing things in our lives, is a wonderful coping strategy.

No more emotional ups and downs, no more physical discomfort, no more horribly painful decisions. Our fertility has been our priority for the majority of the last 4 years.  The first 4 years of our married life has centered around our trying to conceive.  We are stronger for it, thankfully, but gosh, enough is enough.

We will probably have investigations into the miscarriages.  We might get some answers, a more definitive diagnosis than unexplained infertility.  It's more likely that we won't get any answers at all. I'm still not sure if these investigations will offer us some closure, or open us up to more treatment.  We will play it by ear.  We would rather have the option of saying no, than regretting not investigation at all.  

I will kindly request that any one who reads this, refrain from saying "don't give up," "don't give up hope/faith," "how about adoption?" "my friends ex-wife's sister had IVF and then got pregnant naturally," "you're unexplained so you could still get pregnant naturally," or any derivative of the above.

Everyone's journey is different, and very personal to them.  We're tired of going through this month after month. We are not going to prevent pregnancy, and yes, stranger things have happened, but we're not pinning out hopes on very poor odds.  The likelihood of us getting pregnant naturally is pretty slim at this point.  And that's not me being pessimistic, or "losing hope / giving up," it's just statistical fact!

We are going to get back to being us (we've not really been away from being us, just a suppressed version) To enjoying all the things, without worrying about TTC or our next bit of treatment.  To motorbiking, exercising, gin drinking, surfing, camper-vanning, mountaineering, climbing, leg biking, socialising, Isle of Man-ing, running, open water swimming, foraging, gardening, chickening, feline parenting....to living.