Wednesday, 9 May 2018

Back again

On Tuesday we finally had our miscarriage clinic appointment.

It was difficult for us both.  It's like going back to the scene of the crime.  The appointment was at the same hospital we had fertility treatment, and also the same place we had treatment for our last miscarriage.  It's a year ago since we were there for medical management of miscarriage.

The consultant was so kind.  She told us that all the blood tests were negative or within normal limits.  There is nothing there that would suggest a reason for our infertility or for why I miscarried.  I knew this was the most likely scenario but it still made me cry hearing it.  She said (and she is very experienced) that for every 100 couples she sees, maybe 2 have something show up on the tests. 

I shouldn't be upset about them not finding anything, I should be relieved, but it is extremely frustrating to hear that we should just keep trying because, on paper, it really is completely unexplained.  

I went armed with questions to ask.  Once we got that news though, I just felt like it was pointless asking.  Ben asked about my psoriasis.  I think he knew that was something I would want to ask about.  And he probably remembered that I said "I'll asks these questions whatever the outcome, cos I'll regret it if I don't!" a few weeks back! 

Again, she looked at all the immunological results and reassured me that everything looks normal, so even though I have psoriasis, it's not causing an issue. 

She then encouraged me to ask my questions because "you'll go away from here and you'll wish you did." I started crying again. 

She was so lovely.  She got up from her side of the desk, came round to me, put her arm around me and read my questions over my shoulder.  

Is there anything we can do to help us conceive naturally? Just keep trying.
Can I take baby aspirin?  Yes, but she would only recommend it once I had a positive pregnancy test.
Would I be managed differently if we did have IVF again?  Yes. with baby aspirin and fragmin.
Why are my cycles suddenly so mental?  "I think you are really stressed out."
Why are they getting more and more painful?

We stopped and discussed this further.  I told her how they were increasingly more painful, that in recent months I have had sick time from work because I've not been able to move, that I have been prescribed mefenamic acid which has helped but not totally.  She suggested I could have endometriosis, and that it's only just started to be a real problem now.  Then she asked me what I wanted to do about my painful periods?

What did she mean?  

Well, the only definitive way of diagnosing endometriosis is by going in and having a look.  She suggested I go for laparoscopy, but left it completely up to me.  I didn't need to make the decision right then. But I know how waiting lists can be.  It's elective surgery and likely to be cancelled a number of times before I actually get a proper date! I also know that, if it is endometriosis, then it is likely to get worse.  And, that it could be the reason we aren't able to get pregnant and stay pregnant. 

So, I said "let's do it."

I know I could be having surgery for nothing.  It could also be everything.  If they do find endometriosis, they can attempt to treat it at the same time.  I could come out with better chances than I had before.  

Now, don't get me wrong.  Although, it would be great to have a diagnosis, and get some treatment, I am aware that I then have to deal with that for the rest of my life, with it probably getting worse and requiring further surgery.  

I'm not taking it lightly.